Baritone Humour

How do you get two baritones to sing in perfect unision?
      Shoot one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
      To get away from the baritone section rehearsal.

What's the difference between a baritone and a trampoline?
      You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a baritone?
      You can tune the lawn mower.

What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a baritone?
      One of them's loud, offensive, abrasive, and loved by a few mis-guided weirdos. The other's a TV commentator.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone?
      Add vibrato.

How do you get a lead to sound like a baritone?
      Have him sing louder, flatter, and miss every third note.

What's the range of a baritone?
      About ten yards, if you've got a good arm.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with singers?
      A baritone.

What did the baritone get on his IQ test?
      Drool.

How can you tell when a baritone is out of tune?
      His lips are moving.

Why is a baritone like a SCUD missle?
      They are both offensive and inaccurate.

Quartet Jokes

Q: How do you tell when a Lead is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How many Basses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

Q: Why do singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because it's more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q: How many Leads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.

Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.

A Barbershoppers Guide To Keeping Directors In Line

The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and director.

1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the director uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.

2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the director is under pressure.

3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.

4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the director know you're there as a personal favour.

5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Other parts solos are a good chance for you to blow your nose.

6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the director if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.

7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the director is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the director know that you don't have the music to a new song.

9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the director. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.

11. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.

Make every effort to take the attention away from the director and put it on you, where it belongs!

Arriving at Heaven

A Lead died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped him at the gate asking, "Well, how many wrong notes did you sing in your life?"

The Lead answers, "Three."

"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the Lead three times with a needle.

"Ow! What was that for?" asks the Lead.

Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each wrong note you've sung down on Earth."

"Oh," says the lead, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the Lead, horrified.

"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine.